My mum wanted to go to a concert with my sister and I should watch over the children. But I really wasn't in the mood and hadn't the motivation to do that. So I said no. 

Because I know my mum, I knew she was blaming me. I felt it in her voice. Or maybe it's just a thing what Cancers do. 

So after overthinking the situation I was going to overcome my comfort zone. I headed downstairs to talk to my mum. 

Well, the conversation didn't turn out that well. I made a proposal that I would do it for 20 bucks (I mean it would be a good pocket money.), but that pissed her off. What followed where accusations no son would want to hear. (I don't say that it me that angry, because I know her) 

After this I wasn't willing to do any babysitting at all. I removed myself from the living room and was seeking alone time in my room. 

Stuff like this always makes really feel emotionally unwell. It's this burden you get put onto your shoulders. 

My mother can sometimes be really personal, which feels like stabbing a dagger into my heart. I mean I don't know how my mother feels. It's mothers day after all and my sister just wanted to surprise her with this concert.

This makes me feeling really guilty for what I did. When I think about it I really feel hopeless and not good enough. I know I could do better. I know I could've watched over the children. But I didn't do it and so now I have to carry this feeling of guilt until I let go.

However letting go seems so unfair. It seems like I don't suffer for what I did. Hmm this sounds like my beliefs are very christianised. Well, I guess when you grow up in a very traditional christian community these are the side effects.

But what I want out of this is just a clearer mind. I am sitting here not courageous enough to move anywhere else, because I am afraid of facing my mother. I feel frozen. I feel guilty.